Thursday, December 25, 2008

Who's REALLY the World's Worst Dog? By Oscar

My people read that book about Marley, then went to see the movie on December 25. They were kind of disappointed. They thought they would see true evidence of the world's worst dog, but now they know that I - OSCAR - am truly the world's worst dog. Marley was nothin' but a cupcake.

In my short 1 1/2 year life so far, here are just a few of my exploits and idiosyncrasies:
* I love to chew on the legs of expensive furniture and display items - coffee and end tables, dining room sets, chess game sets, and so on. (My people tried rubbing this nasty bitter stuff made out of rosemary leaves on all the surfaces I like to nibble on. I've tasted worse).
* Tootsie and I both LOVE to chew and play with toys! But we're Dachshunds, which means we actually kill our toys. We pull the stuffing out of anything with stuffing. (That little Snoopy toy lasted about a day). If it squeaks, we work on it until it squeaks no more. If it's plastic, we chew and bite until it's nothing but a pile of plastic pieces. 
* Forget about Tootsie. She's even more of a cupcake than Marley.
* One evening my people left me at home with Tootsie and our 3 cousins, Jason, Stanley and Chloe. When they came home, they found a doggie treat plastic screw top container open and all the treats gone. They were amazed and wanted to know which one of us did it! So they refilled with treats and closed the cap. Tootsie, Jason, Stanley, and Chloe each took one look at this very challenging test and slunk off to work on something a bit easier, like a bone. I, on the other hand, took on that challenge. Within about 2 minutes, using paw and mouth, I had that screw cap off the container and all treats where they belong, making the long journey. 
* When my people are out, I really like to find, carry around, chew, and play with their little personal things that remind me of them. Think boxers, panties, bras, socks, and the like. Like I told you, I've tasted a lot worse than that bitter stuff. 
* I think I must really embarrass my people sometimes. I've heard them say many times, "Oscar, we can't take you anywhere!" It's just that particularly small (and low to the ground) dogs must work harder to show their stuff. I bark at anything that moves - other dogs at Petsmart and on walks, people walking by, and even other cars when I'm riding shotgun. Other people give my people that burning look that says, "can't you control your dog?" and "you should enroll him in some kind of training class." Well, I'm already a graduate, so there.
* Although I often feel remorse, I'm really kind of mean to Tootsie. We love to play typical Dachshund games, like chase, wrestle, roll and pounce, leg biting, ear pulling, and loose skin twisting. But I almost always get the best of her. She outweighs me 2 to 1, but I'm a lot faster and more flexible.
* I'm a huge lover and kisser. I show my love and affection by not only licking and kissing, but also by nipping and nibbling noses, ears and fingers. Speaking of flexible, the first nickname they gave me was "Noodle", because I was so good at twisting and turning in my peoples' arms. They cannot deny my love! I've earned a few other nicknames over the last year, too. They're all from that old movie, Gremlins - Magwai, Gremlin, and Stripe. 

Remember, gremlins were bad in the movie only when you broke one of the Magwai handling rules. I'm really the best dog in the world. 

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Dowry Has Arrived! - by Tootsie

I didn't think Jon could pull it off! He presented us with all 4 dowry choices. The rice and salmon leftovers were great, don't really get the coffee thing, and the carabao is totally messing up our poop layout plan in the back yard.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Dowry and Wedding - by Oscar

So the older daughter of my humans is getting married in August. My male human sent the following demand letter to the prospective groom:

Maureen, have you told Jon about the traditional marriage dowry? Your mother and I know that the actual traditional dowry could be difficult to organize here in the states. But we do have some additional suggested alternatives.    

As you know, the traditional marriage dowry requires, first and foremost, one carabao (water buffalo), young and obedient. In addition, either 1/2 hectare of rice field (flat and productive), OR 500 kilos of rice each year for 3 years (rinsed and dried, no stones please).

As an alternative, may we also suggest one of the following:

     1. You know those $10 Starbucks cards? Well, how about a free pass for 2 lattes and 2 scones, every day for life.

     2. An assortment of Pacific rock fish and Alaskan king salmon, filleted and alder smoked. No less than 500 pounds, and please, absolutely no farm-raised fish.

     3. A lifetime pass to the Space Needle elevator and 10 free dinners to the restaurant therein. Plus a lifetime entertainer pass to Folklife, with choice of stage. (Your mother wants to practice her belly dancing).

     4. For a period of 3 years, a prepaid kiosk space in a prime location inside Pike Place Market, PLUS a steady supply of fish from NOAA research projects. All the sturgeon caviar we can get would be greatly appreciated. (Have you seen your mother throw fish? Wow! The caviar could be a problem, though).

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Tootsie Roll

Hi, my name is now Tootsie Roll and I'm a 19 pound standard Dachshund. My original name was Dixie when I lived on a farm outside of Forest Grove, Oregon. When my new people adopted me in early 2008, they didn't like my name and wanted to change it. Hoping to not confuse me too much, they renamed me "Doxie". Nice try... what a stupid name. I guess they didn't like it, either, so they gave me a much better, more descriptive name. I'm happier now, worm free, and could lose a couple pounds.

Oscar Mayer

Hi, I'm Oscar Mayer, a 10 pound Mini-Dachshund living in Beaverton, Oregon. Many people take one look at me and exclaim, "oh, look at that cute Chihuahua!" Grrrrr. I'm not a Chihuahua, I'm not the Taco Bell dog, and I don't live in Beverly Hills! I'm a wiener dog! Think wiener schnitzel, not chalupa. Whenever my aging male human takes me for a walk, he is amazed at how many pretty young women smile at him. He thinks it's him. I know better.