Hello World - by Elsa Rose

Hot Dog Blog About to Take Another Turn - by David (iPoo'd Electronic Diaper)

Oscar and Tootsie's Hot Dog Blog started out as a simple family doggy blog, as well as a place to practice my own warped sense of humor. It's morphed several times over the past approximately two years. First, we added Jimmy Dean (the Singing Dachshund) to the family dog pound. Then the blog became much more of a vehicle to voice my economic and political views. Now it's about to change again with the addition to the extended family of our first grandchild. Mo and Jon's due date is just a week away! (Her name still remains a closely guarded secret; I guarantee that it is not some silly take-off on candy or sausage brand names).

Zenny has been busy snatching up all the clothing and toys that Baby may want to possess at any time during the next 18 years. I had to work very hard to convince her that the electronic cash register (for ages 4 and above) will probably be obsolete by the time Baby is ready to enjoy it. Delaying Zenny's idea for purchase of Baby's high school prom dress was an easier case to make.

Fortunately, I've found something for Baby - very relevant and useful - that could be used immediately. The only problem is that the iPoo'd Electronic Diaper does not yet exist. But it could be right around the corner.

Why We Are Dog People - by David

The above artwork is by my grandfather, Raymond Boyd Rogers, circa 1950. As a sideline (one of many) from his graphic artist/advertising career in Portland, Oregon, he was "Professor Wrinklescreen", owner of Magic Lantern Company. He made and sold humorous slides that people could insert into their own family slideshows.

Giving meds to dogs is a piece of cake. To cats? Never tried it and never will. This humorous masterpiece, below, is circulating the WEB in various versions. This is one reason we are dog people, but have a healthy respect for cats, too.

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

So true! It works every time.

Bill Maher Becomes a Teabagger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68jMlHomdFc

Einstein's Message for Today's Politics - by David

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
-Albert Einstein

The supply-side economic policies hatched after the fall of Nixon, and implemented during the Reagan administration, are the root of today's economic chaos. Still, today's neo-conservative GOP continues to cry out for those very same policies as the way out of the mess they created.

Baby Boomer Remakes of Old 1960's and 1970's Music Favorites

This has been going around the net, most recently in The Oregonian newspaper and Oregonlive.com on March 2, 2010. If some of the artists of the '60s and '70s were to revise their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers, the song titles might look something like these:

Bobby Darin: "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"

Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"

Ringo Starr: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends"

The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"

Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

The Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

The Temptations: "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

Abba: "Denture Queen"

Tony Orlando: "Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall"

Helen Reddy: "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore"

Leslie Gore: "It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I Want To"

Willie Nelson: "On the Commode Again"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

Jimmy Dean the Singing Dachshund